so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
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