I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.