So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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