Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
