There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
