I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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