I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
