I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
