a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
