I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
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