He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
