I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Is Oprah even human
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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