take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I need moral support for this bender
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
