I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
