She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Someone stole a lamp last night.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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