I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
The cops high fived after they tackled you
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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