Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
