man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
