1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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