I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
