The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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