I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
