so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Randomize
