you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
