she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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