Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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