shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
