Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Randomize
