If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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