I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
