I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
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