So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
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