508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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