Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
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