3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
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