I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
