have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
