if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
