Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
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