and she was petting her beer can
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Randomize
