my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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