sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
