Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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