it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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