Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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