Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
