overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Randomize
