At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
