So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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