I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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