and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
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I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
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Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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