smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Can you bring me the toilet please
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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