I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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