before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
did you just send me my own nude
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
