I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Randomize
