i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
