Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
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And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
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As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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