The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
