On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
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